RAD Culture Zone

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The grim reaper cometh: Angst and anxiety

So here I find myself on day 2 wondering what to post today.  Still trying to figure out how to do x, y and z and worrying whether I will make a huge stuff up in the appearance of my blog in the process. Really not used to this format. A click of a button and into cyberspace you launch all your thoughts for others to view. Not quite the same as facebook….. but that is an entirely separate issue….

Keeping it private until you are ready to have your work inspected, judged, shredded (gasp) by others is part and parcel of being an introspective artist. There is a certain amount of creative angst that goes along with this process and I guess how you handle it depends on your original motivation for doing something. Is it meant to be seen and ultimately judged?

GASP! I feel one of those head thumping thingies coming along. I can run but I can’t hide from the inevitable mind chatter that says, what the heck do you think you are doing? To be truthful, I have no idea what I am doing. I am winging it on a prayer and a song….each morning I wake up, before I put on my make-up……and joining the dots as I go along… Do I take up an offer and pay someone to “teach” me how to do this tech stuff or don’t I? Kill the household budget or hope that all who visit here will be patient and come back often with a few words of encouragement. I will get better at this. How can I not? Practice they say…….

Breathe, calm down and focus your intentions. Remember the bigger picture. The process does not involve a right or wrong. Change what you do not like. Observe Think Respond. All the catch phrases become random attempts to recreate a workshop environment with myself at the helm hoping that my audience understands what  I am on about while I scribble my examples on a mammoth sheet of paper. Now I am my own audience….

Gees, this woman is sweating…is it the heat or hormones? Can old dogs really learn new tricks?  Angst and anxiety, succumbing to mind chatter. Is it a bad thing? Not really, so long as we do not stay in that zone for too long. Create reality, watch your thoughts and emotions. Make a point of it. Understanding of self leads to acceptance of self and ultimately of others.

Put on the music, immerse yourself in the process. Do something! Don’t sit there waiting for the anxiety to pass. It won’t. Use it, turn it into something you can work with. Ego and alter-ego, the some total of the whole. Inspect, dissect, embrace that reaper, sing it to sleep, dance it into oblivion, paint it, write it, mould it. Call it what you like: exam nerves, pre- show jitters, writers/artists block . Take a chill pill (homeopathic does work), go see a doctor if your anxiety is taking over your life and your creativity, but DO something with it.

There is nothing worse than a life not lived because you fail to recognise the grim reaper and welcome him as a part of your life. It’s OK. I have met him more than once in my life, actually more times than I care to remember and each time, I had to find a way to kick his butt. It’s part of the journey. I am most certain he will pay me a visit again, but for now….

I do recall an ink drawing of the grim reaper I once did with a smile on his face. What a release that was. It took two days to complete. Sadly, while embracing the sometimes domestic goddess in myself, I knocked over an iron which still had some water inside and that was the end of that particular reaper. I may have a photo of it somewhere…..

I simply know that something happens inside my head when I am drawing or painting or problem solving or writing that gives me a release from that endless mind chatter I call the grim reaper and so the journey continues…..

Today I feel a sense of accomplishment… I have battled the reaper….written a few words, a few hundred actually and trashed them to begin again. I have listened to the inspiring words of others in some old time classic songs, stomped my feet and clapped my hands much to the dismay of my teenage daughter (she thought I was bringing the house down)….and…… there are more pages here and the blog is starting to take shape….

Note to self…. don’t forget to take out the trash!

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